By Stacy Pellettieri LCSW-R, Co-owner of ADHD Training Center
We’ve all grown up with the idea that offering a child a reward for preferred behavior is an effective way to shape desired outcomes. But what happens when we don’t consider whether the child is actually capable of achieving the goal we’ve set for them?
It is imperative that we pause and ask ourselves: Is this expectation realistic for my child?
Now, let me be clear—I am not saying that your child isn’t capable of great things. However, sometimes the way we frame expectations doesn’t align with their strengths.
The Problem with Rewards for Impossible Tasks
Let’s say you ask your child to sit still and complete their homework without getting up, taking a break, or interrupting the process. If your child has ADHD, this expectation may be setting them up for failure. If their brain or body physically cannot comply with the request, no reward—no matter how enticing—will change that.
In fact, this kind of demand can trigger their fight-or-flight response, shutting down the very brain functions required for focus and executive skills. The stress makes it even less likely that they’ll complete the task, no matter how much they want the reward. This can lead to frustration, anger at themselves, and resentment toward you for not understanding their struggle.
Understanding the ADHD Brain
Children with ADHD struggle to maintain the level of dopamine needed for sustained attention and focus. The breaks they take during homework—whether it’s getting up, fidgeting, or doing a short enjoyable task—help replenish dopamine levels, making it easier to return to the less interesting work that still needs to get done.
By allowing structured breaks, you’re not just accommodating their needs—you’re teaching valuable skills:
- – Time management – Learning to organize breaks strategically
- – Self-regulation – Understanding how their brain works
- – Sustainable focus – Finding ways to work with their natural rhythms
Instead of enforcing compliance through reward charts, we should focus on teaching strategies that empower them to succeed. Supporting their unique brain strengths will lead to better long-term outcomes than simply trying to control their behavior.
Come and learn more about this topic on our brand new YouTube channel, https://www.youtube.com/@TheADHDTrainingCenter