From: Michaela Donohue, LMSW – ADHD Training Center Clinician
NOTE: Michelle will be leading the upcoming class on March 13th titled Uncharted: ADHD and the Road to Self-Discovery
When we are in High School, our days are structured and schedules are filled for us-whether it is by caregivers, teachers, or any other adult in our lives. We are told where to be and when; what to do and how to do it. We barely have to plan, manage our time, organize or make decisions on our own.
Then we get the diploma, walk across the stage, stepping into the “real world”. This is where all of that structure, guidance, and routine is nonexistent.
Let me give my neurotypical readers a visual of what this could feel like for a neurodivergent brain:
Imagine you are given a puzzle to solve with 1,000 pieces that have no colors, no directions, and if you don’t solve it in 10 minutes or less, all of your success gets wiped away. Sounds impossible doesn’t it?
Individuals diagnosed with ADHD can have up to a 30% lag in their brain development; which includes in their Executive Functioning skills. This means that a 19 year old with ADHD is often expected to have the skills and maturity of a young adult like neurotypical 19 year olds; but really only have the developmental brain and skill set of a 15 or 16 year old.
With that in mind, figuring out what to do for the rest of their lives can be overwhelming to the point of feeling frozen.
With a multitude of ideas and thoughts rushing to the surface, and lagging in organizational skills, this can feel like a jumbled mess not knowing where to even start. If we can manage to grasp a single thought out of that mess, the next question is usually: “What’s your plan/how will you get there?”.
Answering that question requires information recall from our working memory, planning, and time management skills in order to build an accurate and reasonable timeline all while trying to regulate the intense emotions that may arise. This then leads to feeling paralyzed, being so overwhelmed that we can’t even organize a sentence. Once it all feels like too much, our brain goes into survival mode: fight, flight, freeze, and for ADHD… Fib.
To someone on the outside we may look like we are avoiding, being deceitful, being lazy, and/or do not care. In reality, every time we are asked that and we do not know the answer yet, all of that is happening and the impulse jumps to survival mode causing our prefrontal cortex to shut down (where our executive functioning skills live).
Many people with ADHD struggle with the emotions of shame, guilt, and embarrassment for being in the situations that they are in and/or struggling with the deficits and symptoms that they do.
Now that there is an understanding of what is happening in the brain, you may be wondering “what now?”.
First, if you are a loved one, start by trying not to push your own expectations onto your ADHD loved one. Even if it is out of love and because you want the best for them, if they do not have a passion for what your expectations are, this will only make the situation harder for them.
Instead, be curious about what their interests are and encourage them to flourish within their strengths. Your loved one just needs to feel supported and secure in order to explore who they are.
Another way to be supportive is to identify when your loved one is doing something positive and verbalize it. For example you can say, “I know that figuring out where to start can be challenging, it is awesome that you started to look up different opportunities”. These two acts may seem small but it can make a world of a difference for your loved one.
If you are the person in this situation, take a deep breath and stay calm. It could be helpful to start by externalizing that rush of thoughts and ideas that was mentioned earlier. Whether you write them out or verbalize the thoughts, externalizing them can help us organize. If you don’t have any ideas, make a list of your strengths and hobbies then you can explore different careers that foster those listed.
Next, break each big step into smaller parts; this will reduce the overwhelming feeling and mental jumble. For example, if your plan is to research schools that have a major that you are interested in, you can break it down like this:
Step 1: Open Laptop
Step 2: Open the web browser
Step 3: Type your major in the search bar
Step 4: Select one school’s website
Step 5: Find the section for majors
And so on…
It is important to check in with yourself after each step.
Do you feel okay to keep going?
Do you need a 5 minute break?
Listen to what your body needs. Also, don’t forget to cross off each step after you complete it for a nice dopamine boost! ADHD brains have a deficit in dopamine so doing things that trigger dopamine production can help us focus more.
Practicing these skills takes time but they are effective and therefore worth it. Have patience with yourself and utilize your support systems. If you struggle to find the support you need, professional help is always an option. Asking for help can be hard; remember it is a strength to get help when you need it. Life is too hard to go through on your own. An individual therapist or coach can help you navigate this blurred path in your life and finding a support group with peers going through the same as you can provide you with a sense of community.
The ADHD “freeze” can feel paralyzing and isolating but you and/or your loved one are not alone. Remember that this feeling and situation is only temporary.