We want our child to be able to thrive on their own. We want our teenager to successfully make the transition from child to adult, and be capable of performing tasks and completing goals without our help.
But when a child has ADHD, particularly with executive function disorder, there are many reasons that this is more challenging:
- Task Initiation – Teens with ADHD are more likely to struggle with task initiation, meaning they may not be able to get themselves to get started.
- Time Blindness/Time Management – Those with executive dysfunction often struggle with the concept of time passing, meaning they may miss deadlines.
- Emotional Regulation – Those with ADHD are more likely to suffer from emotional regulation issues, which can make it difficult to perform task that are frustrating or difficult.
These are only a few of the many issues that many affect those with ADHD and executive function disorder.
So, as a parent, what happens when you’re faced with a task that you’d like your child to learn to complete, but you also know that it’s an area that they currently struggle?
For this example, let’s talk about college applications and other college-related tasks, like applying for financial aid.
Do You Help?
There are going to be individual differences in approach based on your child’s personality and capabilities. Some children with ADHD have developed tools for themselves to apply and stay accountable, in which case you should support their ability to do it themselves. Others might have severe difficulties, in which case helping is a necessity.
But for most teens and parents, the answer lies somewhere in the middle.
Your teenager may struggle with the task initiation part of it. If you wait and rely on them to do it themselves without reminders or support, they may not get it done until it is too late and both of you are panicking and stressed. That’s not ideal for anyone.
At the same time, you want to encourage ways for your teen to start and continue it themselves. That teaches them skills and gives them exposure to what they’ll need to do in adulthood. Consider a strategy that looks something like this, but note that you can customize this approach based on your teen’s personality and abilities:
- Sit them down and come up with an application plan together. Discuss dates and times to work on this as a project. Have them enter those dates and times into their phone as reminders.
- Describe the process as well so that it’s not overwhelming, and consider having them break it out into chunks. For example, tell them what each college is likely to need, have them spend time looking at colleges and describe what to look for. Make sure they’re equipped to do it themselves without surprises, but allow them some range.
- At different intervals as they move through the process, review it with them (make sure this is also scheduled in so that they’re aware this is part of the process). For example, the two of you can go through each college one by one, or the two of you can decide what colleges and then come up with a plan for applications.
- Have them perform tasks independently, but then help them fix the issues. They should be the ones to write a college application essay, for example, but rather than tell them to redo it if it’s wrong, you both work through it together to fix it up.
- Be completely free for them to ask questions but do not do the work for them. If they need to fill out a form, they should fill out the form, but you can be next to them to answer what questions they need.
Part of supporting them is also going to be your attitude and response to their attitude. Try to avoid frustration and anger, because you know now that ADHD impedes their ability to perform these tasks, and that it is not something in their control. Similarly, they may get frustrated if they’re not sure what to do and you are not willing to do the work for them, but if you stay calm and give them a bit of a nudge in the right direction than they should be able to still complete the work on their own.
How to Parent – How to Prepare for College
This can certainly be a delicate balance, and it’s natural to be unsure of the best approach. That is one of many reasons that we offer both parent coaching for ADHD and college preparation coaching for teens and college students. It’s a world that is hard to navigate, and so of course it is natural to struggle between doing the work for your child and letting your child do it themselves.
But your ability to stay calm, your willingness to work on setting dates and times to help your child with specific issues like task initiation, and starting early will all be a big help. In the future, you can also be there to help set those reminders and expectations, while still allowing your child to complete the work on their own and continue to learn valuable skills that will help them in adulthood.
If you have any questions or concerns, please reach out to ADHD Training Center, today.