As an ADHD and executive function parent coach, I frequently hear the same questions from parents who are feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. They want to know how to stop certain behaviors their children exhibit, how to avoid meltdowns, and how to end the constant power struggles that lead to chaos in the home.
- “How do I get my child out the door in the morning without a meltdown?”
- “How do I keep them at the dinner table without constant interruptions?”
- “Why is homework such a battle every night?”
- “How do I stop the bedtime tantrums over screen time?”
- “Why does my child keep getting calls home from school about disruptions?”
These are daily concerns for many families dealing with ADHD.
So, what’s the answer? Is there an answer? Yes, there is—but it may not be what you think.
Let me start by saying that there is no magical disciplinary technique or quick fix. I’m not going to tell you to implement time-outs, nor am I going to suggest a sticker chart with rewards for unattainable goals. The path to success isn’t paved with punishment or behavioral incentives. Instead, it requires a deeper understanding of your child, a shift in mindset, and acceptance of who they are.
Ignoring the Peanut Gallery
Before we dive in, let’s talk about what I like to call “the peanut gallery.” You know who they are: the well-meaning teachers, friends, grandparents, neighbors—self-proclaimed parenting experts who seem to have all the answers. They tell you that your child should “know better,” that they’re “just looking for attention,” or that you’re “catering” to them by offering too much support. Their advice can leave you feeling confused, ashamed, or like you’re failing as a parent.
But here’s the truth: the peanut gallery doesn’t know your child. They don’t understand the unique challenges of raising a child with ADHD, and their advice is often based on traditional views of discipline that don’t work for neurodivergent children. Don’t let their voices dominate your parenting decisions. Instead, arm yourself with the knowledge and confidence to be your child’s best advocate, support, and guide.
Understanding ADHD: The Foundation for Change
The first step in improving your child’s behavior—and your relationship with them—is understanding ADHD for what it is: a neurological condition. ADHD is not about manipulation, seeking attention, or giving you a hard time. Your child did not choose to have ADHD, and they cannot simply “try harder” to behave differently. Their brain processes the world differently, and this can affect everything from emotional regulation to task initiation to impulse control.
When we understand the neurological basis of ADHD, we can approach our children with more empathy and patience. This understanding alone can dissolve much of the frustration that builds up in daily interactions. ADHD isn’t something you can discipline away, but it is something you can learn to manage with the right strategies and support systems.
Acceptance: The Key to Thriving
This brings us to the next crucial step: acceptance. Neurodivergent-affirming parenting means embracing your child for who they are, not who you think they should be. You’re not going to cure their ADHD, nor should that be your goal. Instead, you can provide accommodations and teach them skills to help your child navigate a world that isn’t built for their unique brain. I’ll say that again… “A world that isn’t built for their unique brain.” Just because the world around them does not appear to be neurodivergent-affirming does not mean you shouldn’t be. It is up to us as parents to advocate for them in school and in the social world. And it is up to us to teach them how to do this as adults when it is their turn to affirm themselves.
If your child is hyperactive and needs to move around, allow it, within reason and in ways that are appropriate. If they struggle to sit still during a lesson, accept it and find ways to help them manage this. Maybe your child feels emotions intensely, or maybe they’re 10 years old but developmentally more like a 7-year-old. Instead of demanding that they “do better” or change to fit societal norms, create an environment where they can thrive. Make room for who they are—because when your child feels supported and accepted, the need for power struggles often diminishes. Studies show that children who have ADHD hear 20,000 negative messages by the time they are 12. Trust me when I tell you these negative messages do not sculpt them into ADHD-free beings that no longer struggle. They still have ADHD, they struggle and now they don’t feel good about themselves as well. Being punitive is not the solution.
Refusing to accept your child’s ADHD can create a harmful dynamic. The child may sense this lack of acceptance, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and even oppositional behavior. The message, whether intentional or not, is that they need to be something they are not—a standard they can never meet. This can be incredibly damaging to their emotional well-being and can strain the parent-child relationship.
Acceptance is a powerful tool. It doesn’t mean you’re giving up on improvement or that you’ve settled for less. Instead, it is the foundation upon which effective change and growth are built. By accepting your child’s ADHD, you position yourself to better understand their needs, to advocate for them, and to support them in becoming the best version of themselves.
All Brains Are Different: Shifting the Narrative
As parents, it’s time to let go of the notion that our children need to “fit in” to societal expectations, especially when those expectations don’t consider their brain type. Not all children can sit still for long periods, transition easily from one activity to the next, or quietly endure lessons that don’t interest them. And that’s okay.
The failure is not in your child; the failure lies in a world that assumes all brains are the same. By accepting that your child’s brain works differently—and that this difference is not a flaw—you open the door to a better relationship with them, more effective parenting, and improved behavior.
Final Thoughts
Changing the dynamic in your home starts with a shift in perspective. When you stop battling against your child’s natural tendencies and start working with them, you’ll find that the power struggles fade, and what emerges is a healthier, happier, and more successful child. So, take a deep breath, tune out the peanut gallery, and begin your journey of understanding and acceptance. Your child’s success doesn’t depend on conforming to the world’s expectations—it depends on learning to thrive with who they are. This journey starts with you, and your commitment to learning everything you can, to start, about what ADHD means for your child.